We are awaiting treatment until the Hodgkin's Disease begins to interfere more substantially with my overall health. My experience with the treatments since April of 2006 has been one in which I have not lost my hair. I'm really glad. I worry about what my little children might think. I know that they would get used to it quickly, though. Maybe, they would laugh and have fun with it. I would probably cut Matthew's hair shorter so he and his sisters can feel more at home with it. Actually, before treatments began this time, I cut my hair very short so that I could ease the kids into it. But this time, I didn't lose my hair.
When I was a kid with cancer, I lost all of my hair. I would take Adriamycin and Procarbazine, and it would all fall out. That would happen over and over again. My hair always grew back the same. That's not true with everyone. Sometimes, it changes color or texture.
Your hair doesn't fall out immediately. It takes a few days...maybe a week. Your hair falls out, because the chemotherapy attacks fast growing cells. Hair is one such fast growing cell. (Finger nails are another. During chemotherapy, you can see in finger nails when I had a treatment, because I develop ridges. It's like looking at rings on a tree. Normal, chemo, normal, chemo. The last ridges are just now growing out of my nails from my last chemotherapy treatment.) When your hair falls out, it falls out in clumps. It may look normal or a little dry. But when it is ready to come out, you can reach up, grab a hand full, and after a little tug, the hair will come free.
When it gets to this point, cut it and shave it!
It's frustrating letting it fall out over a period of days until you are left with a very sparse forest of hair. (You will need a "Lorax" for your head....remember Dr. Seuss's character who spoke for the depleted forest.) When I let it fall out, I always wound up with a mess of hair on my pillow and hair in my mouth in the morning. Either way, when the hair is ready, it's going to go. I figure, I may as well take charge of this area of my life.
When I was a kid, we had a friend of the family (Gene) who was a barber. He had cut my hair from the time I was very, very young. He had a daughter who was my age. He bought and prepared a wig for me. A great gesture of generosity. Wigs are expensive. I am very grateful to Gene for this. I wore it. But I think that may have been a mistake. Because I tried to hide this symbol of my cancer, others around me tried to carry on the façade that all was normal along with me. It's funny. I set the stage and the expectation of response. When I needed more support and without knowing it, I told everyone that I didn't need support. I hid the reality, and we all pretended.
Folks who don't know you may look at you a little shocked when you lose your hair. Less so if you are a man, more so if you are a woman. But those who know you, even as an acquaintance will see your bald head as a symbol of what you are going through. It will serve as a catalyst to encourage them to build bonds with you. It's ok for you to need that support. The funny thing is, they will also feel a need to support you. I know you hear it from me often in this site, but the mutuality is important. It isn't a benefit to others for you to say that you can do it all. That robs them of the ability to give. So...sometimes being willing to receive is also a gift. Mutuality. We are created in a manner so that we have to depend on one another. The joy of relationships is part of the nature of God, and it appears in us. God is infinite, and we are not. But mutuality is important in our nature.
I'm not against wigs...or hats. Use them to enhance the joy of life. Or use them sometimes if you want to feel more normal. But don't let them interfere with developing the relationships that you need to get through these times. The support that people want to give you will amaze you. I am certainly amazed by the support given to me...and oh, so grateful. I am absolutely blessed.
I might also mention that over the years, I have known many, many women who have lost their hair as a result of chemotherapy. They have all been beautiful, physically and spiritually. It shows your pretty eyes, your lovely and delicate jaw structure, and your cheeks. I know you prefer hair, but you will remain feminine. Your hats, your earrings your make up and your clothes give you a chance to develop individuality and style in other ways. The loss of the hair, is a little loss of self (which I need to write a devotion about). But you can create yourself anew. And you will.
Having said all of this, I still prefer having hair. But this is one of the "gives and takes" of this disease. Don't miss the "gives" despite the "takes."
Be blessed.
JDS
Leave a comment