So, two years ago (um...I mean a long, long time ago.) I was cleaning yellow jackets out of a rock wall by our drive way. I'd tried sprays...No effect. There were hundreds of these bees. (I know that there were hundreds, because I kicked the wall trying to dislodge their nest. Didn't work. Lots of bees. This nest was about 15 feet from our house. Anyway, to get rid of the bees, I decided...yup...to burn them out. So, I took a can of lighter fluid and drenched the wall and the dirt behind with lighter fluid. I pulled the lighter from my back pocket and lit it up! I'd let it burn for a while and then douse more lighter fluid on the area. (The nest was deep in the wall, which was retaining dirt.) After I had spent about a half an hour burning the bees, I put the lighter back in my pocket. Came inside for a few minutes and went back out with a bowl of water for the dog. It was about 1 a.m. Julia was asleep on the couch in our living room. There is an evergreen shrubbery right beside our detached garage. It actually molds itself to our garage. As I went out, I noticed that a funnel spider had built its nest in the bush. So, I thought, "Hey. That's a spider. (I'm bright that way.) What do you know. I have a lighter in my pocket." I took the lighter out and lit the web. Much faster than I could blink, the entire bush went WHOOSH! It was so fast! Then it went WHOOOSH! again and louder! The whole bush was an immediate 15 foot tall raging conflagration! I was standing there with my jaw open and a little flame coming from the end of my lighter...blinking. So, here I have a fire that literally is roaring in front of me, flames more that twice as tall as I am, and using my firefighting instincts, I decided, I'll dump the dog bowl of water on it! I might as well have been using an eyedropper. The water evaporated before it hit the bush. Never to be dismayed and being Johnnie on the spot, I ran back into the house (hoping that Julia wouldn't wake up) and started to refill the dog bowl with water. Into the kitchen I went. The kitchen has a window that looks at the garage and the bush that is flaming. I stuck the dog bowl under the faucet and turned the water on full blast. Unfortunately, the water pressure was very low at the time, so the bowl filled very slowly. I watched the bush burning right next to the garage as the water trickled into the bowl. (Imagine elevator music playing in the background.) I was hoping that the neighbors hadn't noticed...the 15 foot flames by our garage. I really didn't need emergency services showing up at our house... in the middle of the night...again (another story.) So, finally, I got impatient and ran back outside (trying to be quiet so I wouldn't wake Julia...talk about embarrassing!) with half a bowl of water and dumped it on the fire....Nope. Another half a dog bowl of water didn't put it out, either. Plan 3. We had a pile of sand in our driveway that I brought in to brick the wall of an addition we were putting on. I ran into the garage and grabbed a shovel. Ran back out. Looked at the inferno, looked at the sand, looked at the inferno, looked at the sand...no. Definitely no. I threw the shovel down. There was a column of acrid black smoke that was about 3 feet around, solid, impenetrable. It was hitting the back door with force. Just then, Julia opened the back door, bleary eyed, and with a column of smoke rolling around her. Flames roaring a few feet away. She said, "Honey, is there anything wrong?" "No, honey. No. Everything is just fine...Just fine...Thanks." She said, "OK" and shut the door and went back to sleep. I think she's getting used to me. Plan 4, I ran to our back yard where the hose was always hooked up. The dogs had gone to hide. I went to the hose bib, reached down for the hose and ...It wasn't there! I had a contractor digging in the backyard under the hose to repair the pipes leaving the house (um...maybe I am always doing something to the house, why do you ask?) The contractor had detached the hose to get to the pipes! It was pitch dark (except, of course, the orange glow bathing the entire neighborhood), so I started feeling around for the hose. At last I found it! I started conscientiously moving the hose through my hands to get to the coupler, foot after foot, flames burning. I found it and ran back over to the hose faucet. I hooked the hose up! Ok, now all I have to do is pull the hose back to me and find the end. So, foot after foot I started pulling the hose the back to me. I figure 100 feet of hose. I looked over my shoulder. Nope, still burning! I pulled and pulled to get to the end and ...ohmygosh...I was watering in the front yard earlier, so I had attached two hoses together! Another 100 feet! Foot after foot, hand over hand, I reeled it back to me. Finally, I get to the end. I turn on the hose and drag it over to the bush. I release the veritable...I'd like to say torrent, but remember...low water pressure in the house. on the fire and, believe it or not, in about 5 minutes put the fire out. For the next half hour, I poured water on the bush (you know, because my motto is SAFETY FIRST.) As I was doing so, forensic detective Jonathan showed up and began analyzing, the matter. Evergreen. Huh? Lots of sap. Dead leaves are small and fall down inside. Very dry. Highly flammable. It is a Bad Idea to light spiders in evergreens. I think the spider got away. I wonder how it tells this story. I still have that bush. It's taken some time to fill in, and still has a big hole in the top. Garage still stands. Still married. Huh, as I write this story, I realize that a lot of my stories involve fire. Must be a coincidence.
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